365 Days

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1Corinthians 10:13-14

One full trip around the sun. 365 days. 8760 hours. 525,600 minutes. One year. Mark is officially one year sober. I am beyond proud of Mark and his hard work and commitment to sobriety. "Addiction is an inability to stop using a substance or engaging in a heavier even though it is causing psychological and physical harm. Addiction is a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, environments, and life experiences" (Web). Although alcoholism and other addictions can be successfully rehabbed, they cannot be cured. Alcoholism is a lifelong disease that takes continued support and a relentless commitment on the part of the alcoholic. As with any addiction, with alcoholism, you take it one day at a time.

Last week in my blog post I talked about judging others. I am as guilty as the next person for judging. I honestly judged Mark in the past for his drinking. I didn't fully understand the addiction portion, nor did I want to believe that Mark is an alcoholic. I also judged myself greatly. I enabled Mark and in sense was a codependent. I often bought him alcohol to feed his addiction. I also fed into his lies and covered up for him. Then, when things seemed grim, I gave in and I often drank with him. If I didn't drink with him, he would find someone else to drink with and drinking with him was a way to ensure that I got to spend time with him. In the process, I became more and more resentful of Mark, myself, and my life in general.

On Friday April 9th, 2021, Mark took his last drink of alcohol. He had well beyond his limit and way more than I even realized. I remember putting together a new bed we had ordered. I had tried to call and text Mark as he was due home hours before. He would not answer either. I knew he was at the bar because I drove by and saw his pickup there and I saw him inside. Kalli was anxious to head to the lake, so she was also texting him. Finally, he showed up several hours later. I was struggling to put the bed together and I asked for his help. He didn't want any part of it, but he reluctantly began to help me. Every direction I read was wrong because he didn't need directions, he knew how to put it together. After an hour of struggling, a lot of negative words said between us, and me crying, only to be told to "suck it up," we were finally off to the lake. I jumped into the driver's seat to drive, and Mark opened the door and told me to get over he was just fine. He was crabbier and colder than he had ever been to me. He continued to drink his beer all the way to the lake and then to the restaurant we ate at. While at the restaurant, he continued beer after beer, not even taking the time to sit with Kalli and I at the table. It was as if he was doing anything and everything, he could to avoid us.

Kalli drove us back to the lake. Mark was very rude to Kalli, yelling at her for things she was doing wrong. I had never heard him talk like this to any of our children. I told him to be quiet only for him to go on a rant about how I always criticize him, and, in my eyes, he can never do anything right. This was not the Mark and knew and loved. Maybe I was noticing it more because I wasn't drinking. I had already made a conscious choice the weekend before that drinking no longer served a purpose for me. Was this really what my life had come to? Was this really the way I wanted to live my life? I was at a complete loss and did not know what to do.

Once back at the lake, Mark continued to have more beer and passing out at some point. He was on the couch, and I took a blanket and covered him up, as I retreated to the bedroom. I decided to go back out and try and talk with him. I could not even arouse him. I took his phone. I looked through it to try and make sense of why he was so different. I went back out to the couch where he was sleeping, and I shook him hard. I was crying as I was yelling, "Mark, what is going on with you? Mark!" He finally opened his eyes and looked deep into mine. He told spoke the words that I will never forget, "I have a problem with drinking, and I need help." I had longed to hear these words for so long. I thought I would feel relief. Instead, an instant feeling of fear, anxiety, depression, and panic overtook me. I became hysterical. I tried to leave, and Mark stopped me. We went to the bedroom and talked and cried. When I thought he was close to sleeping, I again tried to leave. I ran to the pickup and tried to leave. Mark heard me and had gone out the other door and met me. He begged me to come back inside. I tried to start the pickup and Mark reached and pulled the keys. He grabbed me and placed me over his shoulders and took me back inside.

Would I really have left? Where would I have gone? What would I have done? I have no idea. I had no plan. All I know is that I wanted to run and not face reality. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew there could be things that we needed to discuss that were going to hurt. I was terrified to face the unknown. I was terrified of being judged. The next several days were spent talking endlessly. Anything that we thought needed to be brought to the surface, we let it all out. We went way back to the beginning. We hashed it all out. By doing this, we had an idea on what went wrong, where, and why. Yes, alcoholism played a huge role in our marital issues, but it was not the only cause. Somewhere along the way, we lost a sense of who we were individually and who we were as a couple. We needed to find ourselves again and then we could find each other.

What a difference a year can make; rehab for Mark, counseling for us individually and as a couple, numerous self-help books, but most importantly a renewed faith in God. This renewed faith in God gave us the foundation to do the right thing for us and our family. Our faith in God gave us the strength to fight for what we believed in. Our faith in God gave us hope when we thought all hope was lost. Our faith in God gave us wisdom and guidance. Our faith in God is our foundation and why we are here today, together. God never gave up on us even when we did. He showed us the way, the light. He gave us so many signs along the way to let us know that we were/are headed in the right direction. Through him, we are living proof that miracles can happen. No one ever said it would be easy, but they did say it would be worthwhile. If you and your spouse are in trouble, there is hope. If you both want it, your marriage can be mended, renewed, and stronger than ever.