Facing Fears
- Chelee-Mark Finch
- Oct 14, 2021
- 5 min read
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
Facing the fear of the unknown head on is hard. In life, we all must face our fears at one time or another. Once you face them, often you realize that your fear was not as bad as you had originally thought. When we took Mark to rehab in April, he was scared to death. He was physically shaking in fear. He had no idea what to expect and he had to face this mountain alone, or so he thought. He did not realize that so many people had similar stories and that he was not alone in his struggles with addiction. He did not realize how many people back home were praying for him. He did not realize that when he would return home, his family would be waiting for him with open arms and open hearts. He did not realize that with God's help, forgiveness was not only possible, but it also truly existed and complete forgiveness was given. He did not realize that sober life had so much more to offer not only for himself, but for his family. He knows all of this now and he has thanked me for supporting him and encouraging him to face his fears and get the professional help that he needed and deserved. He said to me the other day, "I am so glad that our granddaughter Paislee will only know the sober Mark. I am a much better person and will be the best grandpa."
I talked about facing fears as together Mark and I have had to face a lot of fears of the unknown in our marriage. Kalli's birth and NICU stay brought about a lot of new challenges and fears, But it also brought Mark and I closer together as a couple. We were determined to face any challenges that Kalli brought, head on and TOGETHER. My last blog I left off saying that the NICU team wanted Kalli to have another ENT consult and bronchoscopy to check her airway. Reluctantly we agreed, I say reluctantly, because as a nurse, I knew what was most likely coming. On February 24, 2006, Kalli had a bronchoscopy. It confirmed our worst fears. It revealed that she had a lot of scar tissue and her that her airway was extremely small. The ENT doctor felt that time would only make it worse, and he felt that a tracheostomy was the safest and best option. Her small airway was causing strain on her heart, and this would not improve without a tracheostomy. Mark and I were in shock, but we faced it head on and took the news bravely and then went to a private room and cried together.
The doctors reassured us that Kalli would accept the tracheostomy much easier than we would. He said it should improve her heart, her breathing, her eating, and her weight. He told us that it would be temporary for about 6-8 months and then he would plan to do a special reversal (that I will explain later). March 3, 2006, Kalli had surgery and a tracheostomy was placed. For the fist time since her birth, we saw her face fully without tubes. She was on a ventilator until she awoke from surgery and then she was able to breath fully on her own. She did require supplemental oxygen. She was 5 lb 2 oz. when she received her tracheostomy. We had high hopes that feedings would start up and she would be able to eat by mouth. Kalli aspirated more than once and due to this, she had to have continuous feedings through a nasogastric tube. They did get her back up to bolus feedings and this would prepare her to eat by bottle. Her oxygen levels continued to fluctuate, and she had a lot of secretions in her tracheostomy and required frequent suctioning.
Mark and I had returned home and on March 7th, 2006, we got an emergency call from the NICU in Minneapolis. They asked us to return as soon as possible because Kalli had taken a turn for the worse. She had stopped breathing and they needed to place her on a ventilator again. She had pneumonia and a urinary tract infection. She was very sick. Mark and I left work immediately and made the 350-mile trip in just under 5 hours. When we got to the NICU, Kalli was stable finally, but she was on a ventilator again, sedated, and was on a lot of oxygen. We wondered if this roller coaster ride would ever end. We were so emotionally drained, but we pressed on. We had no choice. We had two daughters at home who needed us and a very sick baby who also needed us. We made a pact to do what we had to do to make US and our FAMILY work. We were not going to lose US or our family. We were going to fight for it all.
On March 9th, 2006, Kalli was able to get off the ventilator as she had stabilized. Her weight was stable, but no gain. She was 5 lb. 3 oz. She proved to us and the medical team that she was tough, and she was not giving up her fight. We were able to try bottle feedings and she would take some by mouth and the rest we had to give in her NG tube. Mark and I took a class on tracheostomy cares for Kalli. Being a nurse, I have dealt with tracheostomies, but never on an infant. The staff had us be hands on with tracheostomy cares in preparation for Kalli's return home. The bottle feedings continued to go slow and once again, the nurse in me knew what the next step was. Mark again asked me to be honest and I told him that most likely Kalli was going to need a permanent feeding tube placed. He looked at me in shock and I told him to prepare himself because I felt it was going to be suggested soon.
On March 15th, 2006, Kalli had a swallowing study done. It revealed that she did not aspirate, and she was able to protect her airway well. It did reveal that she had severe reflux. They told us that she would need surgery for her reflux and at the same time a feeding tube would be placed. This was Kalli's best option for further recovery and her best option for her to return home. We had a care conference, and the staff was preparing us for discharge once the surgery was complete. All we needed was 24-hour nursing care and we were set. Mark and I looked at the team in the NICU with despair. We reminded them that we live in rural North Dakota and there are no agencies in our area that provide 24/7 care, especially for special needs infants. They didn't believe us, but they would soon find out.
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