Refusing to Be Consumed by Grief
- Chelee-Mark Finch
- Nov 29, 2021
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 1, 2021
"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." Lamentations 3:32
Loss is defined as "the fact or process of losing something or someone" (web). Grief is defined as "deep sorrow" (web). Have you ever lost something or someone in your life? My guess is that you have. This loss can create a hole so big it feels like it couldn't possibly ever be filled. It can create a feeling of grief so intense that it can take your breath away. Life as you know it will never be the same. Your grief may overcome you so much that you are barely able to function. You may feel like spending your days in bed, hiding from the world. You may feel like there is no way you can recover from your grief.
Losses can cause an unbelievable amount of grief. I have had my share of losses over the years in which grief has overcome me. Mark and I have had two miscarriages over the years. One was Kalli's twin (would be 16), and another would now be 13 years old. Both were great losses, and we grieved these unborn babies. Over the years, we have thought about how our life would be if they would have made it to term. I must add a testimony of faith to go with these losses. There have been several times over Kalli's early years (2-5 years of age), where either Mark or I would hear her in her bedroom talking so intently. She would be playing and have two extra spots set up and would be actively talking to them and would pause, as if someone would answer her or ask her a question and then she would continue. We would listen for a while and then we would ask her what she was doing. She would say with such enthusiasm, "I am playing and talking with my brothers." We would ask her what brothers? She would say, "My brothers that are in heaven. They are right here with me playing." We would ask her how old they were. She would say, "One is the same age as me and the other one is littler." Tears would fill our eyes. We told her she had a twin, but we never told her we lost another baby after she was born. This happened a hand full of times over the years. As she has aged, we haven't heard anymore about this, but I truly believe she saw her "brothers." We never knew the sex of Kalli's twin but the other baby we lost we were told was a boy. This has brought us comfort over the years as we have talked about what life would have been like with five children.
Over the years, I have lost all my grandparents. When Kalli was born in 2005, my Grandpa Kenny was actively dying in the nursing home back home. It was so hard to watch as my dad felt pulled to be with us and to be back home with his dad. He stayed with us the first few days after Kalli was born and was due to return home the next morning to be with his dying dad. My dad never made it home on time. My Grandpa Kenny died the night before he was due to return home. I remember feeling guilt that he had chosen to stay with us and hadn't gotten to be with his dad. I also remember him telling me that he was right where he needed to be and that he had no regrets for his decision. One day I was driving to work and Kalli was in her car seat. She attended daycare where I worked and was 2 1/2. She was in the backseat talking away and looking over to the other seat, which was empty. I would see her looking over and smiling intensely and then she would laugh. Then she would talk some more and pause as if she was listening. Her eyes never left the empty seat. I finally asked who she was talking to. She energetically said, "I am talking to Grandpa Kenny mama." I said, "Really? What does he look like." She told me that he had no hair, but he had a big brown cowboy hat on." I asked what they were talking about. She said, "Grandpa John and the Farm. I like the farm and Grandpa Kenny said he lived there. Did you know that mama?" I told her I sure did know that. She also told me that he told her that he had been with her in the hospital and watched her grow. I had tears in my eyes. We had never told Kalli much about Grandpa Kenny. She never met him, and she was so young she really hadn't heard much about him. Now we know, Grandpa Kenny kept an eye on her in the NICU all those months. He was a true angel to her.
In January 2016, I lost my hero, my dad. He was the most amazing human I have ever met. He had a smile and laugh that would light up a room. He had the biggest heart, and he chose to see the good in everyone. He had the most positive outlook on life. He truly lived a Godly life, and he wanted that life for all his children and grandchildren. If I would look at something and think it was broken, he would look at it and tell me the beauty and potential it still had left. About nine years ago, Carrington had a bad windstorm. He called Mark and I after the storm and asked if we had any damage. We told him that the only damage we saw was our wooden swing set. We told him that two of the main beams had broken and the swing set had collapsed. We did not feel it was worth salvaging. The next morning, I was awakened by my dad. He had come over with all his tools and he had boughten the proper lumber so we could "rebuild" the swing set. He and I spent several hours rebuilding that swing set together. He re-enforced every beam and made sure that it was stronger than ever. He even helped stake it down better so the wind couldn't take it down like it had. When we were done, he looked at Kalli and I and said, "See, the swing set is all fixed and it is better than ever. Nothing is ever truly broken. It usually can be fixed." What he said that day about the swing set has stuck with me over the years.
The past 7-8 months I have experienced various losses and I have grieved. Although the losses and grief I experienced were very different from the losses I mentioned above, they were nearly as great. I lost hope, faith, and trust. For a while, it felt as I lost myself. I didn't know who I was any more. I also lost the Mark I thought I knew and the marriage I thought I knew. Through this time of grief, I have tried my hardest to embrace the word of God. I have faithfully read the bible and leaned on His work and His grace to get me through. What I have learned is that even though I "lost" the life I thought I knew, I have gained a much better life. I have gained a husband and marriage that are both better and stronger than I had ever imagined possible. I gained a love for myself and life that I didn't think was ever within reach. I regained a love for Mark that is unbelievably strong. A love that truly grows stronger every day. A love that I have never felt before. A love that truly makes my heart feel full and reaches the depths of my soul. A love that has been strengthened by Jesus himself. As my dad once told me, "Nothing is ever truly broken. It usually can be fixed." Morale of the story, you can either let grief consume you in every aspect, or you can dig your way out and live.
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