When Your Mind Pulls You in Two Directions

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you," Isaiah 43:2

I need to get something off my chest.

I’ve wrestled with this feeling for a long time — the tug-of-war inside my own mind.

I do one thing, but my thoughts tell me to do another. I make a decision and then question it constantly.

It’s like living with two versions of myself that rarely agree.

For years, I used to thrive in chaos. Somehow, the mess gave me direction.

But lately? Chaos doesn’t fuel me anymore — it paralyzes me.

My mind wants one thing. My body reacts in another way.

I can feel so disconnected from myself, and I don’t always know how to put it into words.

And here’s the hard part…

When I struggle, I struggle internally.

I don’t usually talk about it because I don’t even fully understand it.

I smile. I move through the day. I carry on. But deep down, there’s a storm I don’t let many see.

Lately, I’ve been tracing the quiet echoes of choices — mine and hers.

Two hearts, two timelines, bound by love but shaped by different truths.

She walked away. I stayed.

And in the silence between those decisions, I sometimes wonder…

Did my stillness steady her, or weigh her down?

Did my staying show her strength, or make her question her own?

These are the soft, unspoken questions that live in the spaces only a mother feels.

I know we all make our own choices. I do believe that.

But when someone you love hurts, it’s hard not to wonder if your journey somehow shaped theirs.

The truth?

I second-guess myself a lot.

My heart still hurts in places I’ve tried to mend.

I’ve worked on healing. I’ve tried to move forward.

But there are parts of me that remain scarred — and I’m learning that some scars don’t fade.

Some just become a part of you.

On our recent anniversary, I shared some of this with Mark.

_______________________________________________

Happy Anniversary, baby — 31 years together.

Can you believe those two teenagers from all those years ago are still married today?

Sometimes it feels like a blink… other times, like a lifetime.

Would I change anything if I could go back and do it all over again?

I know we’re not supposed to say yes to that question — but the truth is, yes, I would.

And not just things that happened 4 to 6 years ago. There’s more.

If I could go back, I’d be more open-minded.

I wouldn’t let my constant need to be right or to be heard drown everything else out.

I’d say “I love you” a thousand more times — because you can never say it too much.

No one ever regrets telling their spouse too often that they love them.

I’d teach our girls to trust their gut — because when something feels wrong, it probably is.

I’d remind them that leaving an unhealthy situation isn’t weakness. It’s courage.

And I’d help them understand that forgiveness is freeing — not because we forget, but because we let go for our own peace.

I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff. I’d let things go faster. I’d choose peace sooner.

Maybe if I had done all those things earlier, maybe… just maybe, things wouldn’t have gone so south all those years ago.

I know I’m not supposed to think like that.

I know I’m not supposed to carry regrets.

But I do.

Even with everything that still runs through my head daily — yes, I said it — I still made my choice.

And I’d still choose you.

Always.

_______________________________________________

We all carry scars.

Some visible. Some hidden.

But scars don’t mean we’re broken.

They mean we made it through something that tried to break us.

If you’re reading this and your mind feels like it’s pulling you in two different directions…

If you’ve ever questioned your choices or carried the weight of someone else’s pain — you’re not alone.

Let’s stop pretending we always have it all together.

Let’s make space for honesty, even when it’s messy.

Because healing doesn’t mean we never struggle again —

It just means we learn to keep going… even when we do.