A New Beginning

“Let all that you do be done in love.” 1Corinthians 16:14

Doubt is defined as a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction (web). Reassurance is defined as the act of removing someone’s doubts or fears (Web). Everyone has doubt and needs reassurance at one time or another in their life. If by the grace of God you haven't, consider yourself lucky! These past months, Mark and I have had to reassure one another numerous times and we will continue to do so. It is important for spouses to reassure and support each other every chance they get. It's also important for parents to reassure and support their children. If you don't know what to say or how to do this, pray about it. I promise, God will help you and he may even find the words that you so desperately are looking to say.

During Mark's stay at Hazelden, we all missed him. We missed him with everything we had. Kalli desperately missed her dad and she still had doubts that he was ever coming home. She wrote him a short letter and I told her I mailed it. I knew it would not get to Mark in time, so I saved it to give him in person. Here is part of her letter.

May 4th, 2021 “Dear Dad, I love you and I miss you so much. I can’t wait for you to come home. I have good grades and I know you would be so proud of me. I get to go to Sky Zone on May 12 for a BOB event in Bismarck. I’m so sad that you can’t be here to help me parallel park. Mom isn’t so good at it.

I like when we get to FaceTime. We have 17 more days of school left. It’s almost summer. I can’t wait for you to flip me and Grace off the tube.

Love, Kalli”

I was getting anxious, excited, and nervous for Mark’s discharge. So many emotions came flooding to me and the day before discharge day, my anxiety kicked in full force.

“My Dearest Mark, tomorrow at this time we will be together again. Oh, how I love and miss you so much. But I must admit something to you. Today I am full of doubt. I am doubting myself, you, and us. I have been doing a lot of praying today because I do not want to doubt. But I must admit, I am absolutely terrified. I am terrified of the unknown. Matthew 14:31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” With this, I have been praying all morning. I asked God to take all my doubt and burdens from my heart. I lay them all out at his feet. I gave it all to God. I am being honest with you, and I needed to write this to you. Today I need much reassurance from you and from God!”

“Dear Chel, I am excited to be coming home and lying in your arms once again. I am scared of the unknown also. You are my everything. We got this and I know you will feel it once you put your arms around me when we reunite. Put your hand over your heart because that is where I am, always.”

Mark and I continued to text each other and once I was done with work, we video chatted a few times. He made sure to talk with Kalli for a while after I shared her letter and told him she was still convinced he wasn't ever coming home. I had told Kalli that I had a work meeting on Thursday May 6th. I told her that I had to stay overnight and that I would meet her and Justine and Bailee at the lake on Saturday. She wasn't too thrilled to have me gone a couple of nights, but Grandma was right across the street and she was excited to spend upcoming mother's day at the lake.

That night, I was so excited that I could not sleep. Insomnia was nothing new to me during this time, but this time is was due to excitement. I decided to leave way earlier than expected and was up and out the door by 5am. I made a quick stop in Fargo for breakfast to go and I was back on the road. When I was in Fargo, I got a text from Mark. The following is part of that text.

"My love the day has come when we meet again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is the most amazing thing in the world. I get to see my beautiful wife at the end of it. I am not going to lie, I am getting nervous but once I get to hold you and look into your eyes, I know I will be ok."

I told him that I was way ahead of schedule and then let him know that he better only do the morning classes as I would be there before noon. I was 60 miles away and I got pulled over for speeding. Are you kidding me? I gave the officer my sob story, which he was kind enough to knock it down to 69 in a 60 (I was going 77). I got the lead foot from my father. In any case, he processed the ticket as fast as he could and told me good luck. I made it to Hazelden by 11:30. Mark was waiting outside for me. Running into his arms and embracing in the most heartfelt, hug ever. I don't think I will EVER forget that moment or that feeling. We were back where we belonged-together.

The first stop we made was a place to eat along the interstate. We walked into the restaurant and the first thing we walked into was the bar (it was a bar and grill). They sat us at a table and I looked and Mark and asked if he was ok or if we should leave. He said, "I'm fine but it is just so strange. I was in a safe place for weeks and here I am. I am at a bar and grill and normally I would order a beer. I have no craving for any kind of alcohol." He reassured me that he was fine and we ate our meal and were on our way. We decided to take highway 10 and we made the decision to stay at Detroit Lakes for the night. It was about halfway between Center City and our lake cabin.

The entire way to Detroit Lakes we talked a lot and I cried off and on. We discussed his treatment and his next steps. We discussed what we were going to do for the weekend and how we were going to surprise Kalli. I was so happy, yet so terrified. It was like we were newly dating again, butterflies and all. I know that sounds strange but, it is true. We held hands the entire way. It felt amazing being reunited again. Our marriage still needed a lot of healing and now is when the work really began.