Detachment with Love

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!"

Isaiah 43:18-19

Detachment with love. That was the topic at my most recent Al-Anon meeting. What does that actually mean? How can you detach from someone or something and do so lovingly? That is a very hard concept to grasp; however, it absolutely can be done. Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives (the desire to control others).

This has often been a tough concept that I am continually working on, especially when it comes to my children. If I feel I can intervene and help them out, I often do. But by doing so, I am not allowing them to learn. They need to make mistakes and I need to allow them to do so. We all learn from mistakes, and I need to remember this. This also goes for Mark. In the height of his alcoholism and even initially after he returned from treatment, I did all I could to cover for Mark. When he passed out, I gave him a pillow and blanket and made sure he was comfortable. When he refused to go to events, I covered for him. When he needed to get things done, I pushed him and helped when I could so he wouldn't fall behind. Am I detaching when he makes decisions that I don't necessarily agree on? I am doing my best. I try not to intervene unless he asks for my help. This is extremely hard for me to do, but I know that it is necessary for Mark's recovery and for mine.

I know that detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to make mistakes and allowing them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for my own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives or the desire to control others. By detaching with love, I respond with choice rather than reacting with my anxiety. Detachment with love doesn't only apply to alcoholics or addicts, it can and should apply to everyone in your life. "Detachment gives and accepts love unconditionally and freely. Detachment is independent, fierce, functional love based in gratitude" (web). I encourage you to try this with your loved ones or within your work environment. Agree to disagree and allow others to make their own choices freely. Support them and love them unconditionally when they make mistakes. It is their mistakes to make, not yours. Mistakes are lessons learned and these help mold all of us into the person we are.

This past weekend we celebrated with my nephew Dylan and his new wife Meg. They got married on October 22, 2022. The day was gorgeous, and they were able to have an outdoor wedding in Minnesota in late October. God shined brightly that day, as He tends to do. We are so blessed to have been able to attend. The five of us (plus Paislee) were able to share a hotel room together. We had a lot of laughs and lack of sleep, but it was more than worth it. We were able to see so many family members and I only wish we had more time to visit. Mark and I were privileged to be able to share a reading at their wedding. The reading was spot on and I want to share it with all of you.

The Art of Marriage, by Wilferd A. Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.

A good marriage must be created. In marriage, the little things are the big things.

It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say, "I love you" at least once a day.

It is never going to sleep angry.

It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

It is standing together facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel.

It is not looking for perfection in each other.

It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is finding room for the things of the Spirit.

It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.

It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual, and the obligation is reciprocal.

It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

This is The Art of Marriage.

Marriage is something that I honestly took for granted in the past. Marriage means so much more now. Marriage is unbelievably hard and oh so worth it. Mark and I have our renewed vows hanging above our bed, along with the serenity prayer. I look at both every day. I often find myself re-reading our vows. We also wrote letters to one another last summer on why we love one another and why we chose and continue to choose marriage to one another. I have these letters tucked away and if there ever is a tough time, we will read each other's letters and read our vows to one another again. God has truly blessed us, and we have come so far, these past 18 months.

Before the weekend ended, we were able to go mini golfing and play a few games with Bruce, Marci, David, and my mom. We ate lunch together and got to visit some more. Marci and Bruce took Bailee with them as they were all flying home. I had a few sad and happy tears fill my eyes as we said our goodbyes. I was sad to leave Bailee and Marci as there is never enough time. But I also shed happy tears because we got to help a young couple celebrate their marriage. Celebrations such as this are truly a gift from God. May God bless you both, Dylan and Meg and may His light shine brightly within you always!