Embracing Change

Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Justine, Kalli, me, Bailee-April 23

Life can change in the blink of an eye. Even though these changes can be very difficult, you can choose to embrace them or refuse them and run. I would hope that you would choose to embrace them. Sometimes, the only way to do this is by the grace of God. Mark and I chose to embrace these changes by fully commiting our life to God individually and as a couple. We felt this was the only way.

April 23rd marked 1 full week of Mark in treatment at Hazelden for alcoholism. That day I pulled Kalli out of school and me and 3 girls went to Fargo for the day. The girls were so good to try and make me forget everything that had occurred in the past 2 weeks. We did have a great day and were home by early evening. The next day we went to watch Beve and Aaron’s daughter play volleyball and basketball. We went out to eat after in Glenfield. It was strange being back at a bar and grill that Mark and I frequented, and that Mark (and sometimes me) usually left drunk. It was lunch so basically only us in the bar. It went fine and I felt good about it. Here are a few short lines from my journal.

April 24, 2021

“Dear Mark,

This morning I woke up with a clear head and love for God. I re-read the book “The Gift of Forgiveness.” I began praying for others that also need prayers. Mark, I know I told you that I forgive you, but I need to say it again. I forgive you and so does God. God will help to mend both of our hearts and to mend our marriage. I BELIEVE! We have work to do, but oh how glorious it will be. I know we can be a better, stronger, and more loving couple.”

I read another book on forgiveness during this week. It was entitled “FORGIVENESS The Freedom to Let Go" by June Hunt. I really thought the book was so easy to read and it was nice and short. It also had stories in there of various people and how they chose to forgive their offender. Again, each story and situation were unique and again, some were able to forgive the unthinkable. I also read a couple books on co-dependency. I downloaded these books and later found out that Mark had bought both books while at Hazelden (kind of funny but to us it was another sign from God).

April 26th, I went back to work and Bailee headed back to college. I was nervous to go back to work as only a few people knew why I was absent. Once at work, I quickly realized that most thought I was off due to my mom being ill (she had been having some issues, but thankfully was getting better). I went with that because frankly, I was not ready to share with everyone what was occurring in my life. I also received a beautiful text from a friend that day with a quote.

“Keep on straight ahead in the new direction you found, fight off despair, and try to be happy and most of all, don’t look back until you know what you can see can’t hurt you.”

I love this quote. I immediately shared it with Mark when I was able to talk to him that night and I wrote it down in my journal so I would not forget it. I also wrote this to Mark, “Be not afraid of your future, yet embrace it. Be not fixated on the past yet forgive the bad and remember the good. Be not afraid for God will walk by your side, and so will I.”

We also found out on this day that our insurance was only going to pay for inpatient rehab until April 28th. Mark would then have to transition to day treatment at Hazelden. This meant that we would have to pay fully for room and board, but insurance would pay for counseling and treatment classes, etc. Room and board at Hazelden was like paying for a room at the Hilton in New York City. Who am I kidding-it was worse but, it was necessary! I reassured Mark that we would find a way to cover the out-of-pocket expenses. I had no idea how, but he surely did not need to worry about it. I prayed a lot to God about it because, frankly I pretty much threw my hands up in the air by this point. His counselor called me from Hazelden and reviewed things with me and made sure that I felt Mark was ready for this transition (he had given permission for her to call me any time). I told her we really didn’t have a choice and we both felt like a lot of progress was being made.

I also asked questions about the transition. I asked about Mark having his phone and if visitation was allowed since it was technically day treatment. I was told that no visitors allowed due to Covid restrictions even in day treatment. I argued a while and let them know how unfair I felt it was and then of course the nurse in me reviewed the current CDC guidelines with Mark's counselor and another clinician, but they said it was out of their hands. I had to try. There were so many phone calls on this day between me and the counselor and our insurance company that they gave in and let Mark have his phone for the whole afternoon. You bet we took advantage of that and did a lot of video chatting that afternoon. We joked about plans for me to sneak him out so we could see each other. By this time, it had been 10 days apart and like I said before, in 28 years we had never been away from one another for more than 7 days. But we were told that once Mark got to day treatment, he would be allowed to always have his phone.

On April 28th, Mark transitioned over to day treatment at Hazelden. It was nice because we could text each other and call or video chat whenever we wanted. Mark said it was quite different in day treatment because the schedule wasn't quite as rigid, and you weren't held as accountable to get to classes like in inpatient. He met with his new counselor, and she also called me, and we discussed discharge. She said that Mark wanted to come home by Friday May 7th, but they really wanted him to stay until the 14th. The three of us agreed to give it a few days before making any final decision-even though Mark was technically allowed to leave at any time. By Friday April 30th, a plan was laid out for Mark to discharge on May 7th. He was adamant that he wanted to be home to celebrate mother's day with me and the girls. I was nervous, but I agreed hoping he was going to be ready.

"When evil darkens our world, O lord, give us light. When despair numbs our souls, give us hope. When we stumble and fall, use your holy strength to lift us up. When doubts assail us, give us faith. When nothing seems sure, give us trust. When ideas fade, grant us vision. When we lose our way, be our guide, so that we find serenity in your presence, and purpose in doing your will. AMEN!" This is a prayer that I sent to Mark in a card. My sister Sheila sent him the same prayer and so did another friend. To us, it was another sign from God.

Here is the link for the other book on forgiveness. It is nice and short, but I promise it is worth the read.

Forgiveness [June Hunt Hope for the Heart Series] https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1596366435/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_E2RC0QPR0802JPW4AGYA