Growing in Faith

"But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Growing in faith means growing spiritually. It means to grow in the knowledge of God and living a Godlier life. Essentially it means to become more like Christ. Growing in faith in our marriage means that we have complete trust and confidence in our marriage. I imagine no one enters a marriage thinking that they are someday going to give up on it and call it quits. I know when we entered our marriage, we certainly did not think that. We have never thought that. Despite all Mark and I have endured in our 27 1/2 years of marriage, we have never once even talked about ending it. It was never an option and will not be an option. God has given us the tools to make our marriage the best that it can be. God has given all of you these tools too, you only need to use them.

Recently I was reminded, by several different people, how much Mark and I have grown together these past 8 1/2 months. They commented on how healthy both of us look and how far we have come. They commented how they can see the change in each of us individually and in our marriage. They all said both of us have a "glow" about us that is clear. They said they can feel and see the love and respect that Mark and I have for one another. We have always been a team, but our team is stronger than it has been in years, maybe stronger than it ever has been.

When Mark came back from rehab, he looked so healthy. His eyes had a sparkle I hadn't seen in years and his skin glowed. His whole attitude changed. I on the other hand was a wreck. I dropped massive weight in a short time, couldn't sleep, could barely eat, my body reacted with wrenching stomach pains and anxiety that I had a difficulty controlling. Add the panic attacks, chest pains, and stomach ulcers and we had one heck of a Chelee cocktail. It was like Mark and I switched places physically and emotionally. I pressed on and I had to work darn hard to regain my life. I still must work hard every day. It has not been any easy feat by any means, but I wouldn't change the course my life because it is the course that God meant for me. I haven't seen the full meaning of "why" this course of life, but at times I have seen bits and pieces that have answered the "why."

August 2021…this was probably my lowest weight…I weighed what I did when I was 14. Not by choice.

Some of you may be reading this and question how I portrayed a positive attitude (for the most part), despite how I was feeling physically and emotionally. I will tell you; it wasn't easy by any means. I struggled and those that were around me could see my struggles. I maybe told this story before, but I specifically remember one of my last and worst panic attacks. I was at the lake visiting with Mark and another couple. The conversation was negative, talking about other people and I didn't want to participate. I tried to change the subject, but to no avail. I called Kalli to come get me to take me back to the cabin. I could feel the panic attack creeping up on me like a lion stalking his prey. My breathing was becoming labored as I rode in the golf cart with Kalli. I tried to take several slow deep breaths. I ran into the cabin, not knowing that Kalli had followed me. I shut the bathroom door and it began. The surge of pure panic overcame me and despite my best efforts, I could not ward it off. The tears streamed down my face and my breathing was heavy and labored. I heard Kalli's voice through the door, "Mom are you ok?" I tried to answer her, and I could not even talk, I tried but it only made my breathing worse. Then I heard her say, "Mom knock on the door if you are having a panic attack." I knocked on the door and I heard her run outside. I sat on the side of the tub, the tears rolling down my cheeks and I was hyperventilating like I had never done before. Before I knew it, Mark was standing in the bathroom with me. Kalli had went and gotten him to be with me. He immediately grabbed me and put me in the bathtub. I couldn't talk. He held my face and looked into my eyes and tried to talk me through it. I couldn't control myself. The tears were flowing like Niagara Falls and I was hyperventilating beyond what I had ever experienced. Before I knew it, I was leaning over, throwing up in the toilet like I was trying out for the part of Blair in The Exorcist. Mark held my hair and when I was done, he held my face and again tried to calm me. I remember him telling me that he was going to take me to the hospital if I couldn't calm down. I remember passing out briefly and waking up with Mark holding me. I think because I blacked out a bit, when I awoke it continued, but Mark again held my face and looked into my eyes. He was finally able to talk me down and make my breathing slow. When it was over, I was exhausted. I felt like I had just run a marathon that I had not even trained for. The exhaustion so great, I thought I would sleep for days, only to suffer from insomnia that night due to the playing over and over of the attack in my mind all night.

After the attack, Mark and I talked about what triggers such an attack in me. I had a few bad anxiety attacks, and all started with a common trigger-others talking negatively about other people. You are probably thinking, well why would that trigger an attack. The only thing I know is that both Mark and I were trying so hard to positively change our lives. When people talked negatively, I tried to change the subject, or I tried to walk away. If the negative talk hit home, the attacks were worse. Through Mark and I talking about triggers for the attacks, and through my medication that I was placed on for anxiety, I am proud to say I have not had a panic attack since this one. There have been times when I have thought I was going to have one, but I am able to stop them before they begin. I pity anyone who deals with panic attacks. They are awful, but they can be controlled. I had to be honest with myself, Mark, and my doctor to get the help that I needed. I now know how to avoid the triggers and how to control them.

Getting answers

Trying to relay a positve attitude throughout all of this was difficult, but it also helped with my anxiety. It made me feel better and sometimes others commented and that made me realize that my attitude is reaching others and maybe I was making a difference. I am so thankful that Mark has been an amazing support to me during my struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. He told me that he feels responsible for bringing on my anxiety and panic attacks because of his alcoholism and all that went with it. Yes, it was a life changing event, and it triggered my anxiety and depression. He didn't wish for me to go through this, and I believe maybe I have gone through this for a reason. Maybe God wants me to share this part of my journey to let others know there is no shame in mental health issues. There is no shame in getting help and there is no shame in taking medications for these issues. I have told this to others and want to share this with you. If you were diagnosed with high blood pressure or hyperthyroidism (for example), would you not take medication to control these so you could be healthy? Taking a pill for mental health issues such as depression or anxiety is the same thing. There is no shame in it; you are just trying to make yourself healthier. I am reminded of the bible verse Colossians 2:7; "Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness." I am thankful for my struggles because I have grown from them, and I have become a better person. Be thankful for everything and in everything give thanks. Merry Christmas to each one of you. May you celebrate His birth and do so as if there is no tomorrow.

Finally feeling healthy again