Guilt and "What If?"

“Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.” Psalm 51:2

I have a lot of guilt inside of me for Mark’s alcoholism. I know what you may be thinking, “Why would I have guilt? After all, you are not the alcoholic, Mark is.” I will tell you why I feel guilt. I feel guilty because I enabled him. I feel guilty because I fed into his lies and his charm. I feel guilty because I often bought him the beer he wanted and craved. I feel guilty because I gave in and let him drive drunk with me and the kids in the car. I feel guilty because I allowed him to have our children play bartender to him. I feel guilty because I gave in and drank with him at times to appease him. I feel guilty because I didn’t take a stand and our children watched their dad get drunk and pass out on numerous occasions and they saw me do the same at times. I feel guilty for not realizing exactly how much Mark was drinking and that he was headed down a slippery mountain side. Despite the guilt I have felt, I have done a lot of soul-searching. Through counseling and my own soul-searching, I realize I have no reason to feel guilty. Mark made his decision to drink. I did not force it on him. The only thing that I can control is myself. As much as I wanted to persuade Mark to quit drinking and make him realize that he had a problem, HE had to come to that conclusion for himself. I thank God every day that he came to that conclusion on his own.

Wisconsin Dells August 2020

“The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love.”

I do have to admit a few things to you. In an earlier post I talked about how I confronted Mark and he admitted to me that he had a drinking problem and needed help. When I talk to Mark about this today, he barely remembers the first three days of sobriety. He vaguely remembers me confronting him. I asked him why he didn’t drink if he didn’t remember it? He told me there are only two reasons. He said the only reason why he didn’t pick up another beer was because a voice inside him, God’s voice, told him not to and I stood by his side and encouraged him. I was by Marks side during his darkest days. But we were not alone; God was right there with us. He asked me how I held it together (mostly) and stood by his side that week before he left for rehab. I told him I was able to be there for him and hold it together because God gave me the strength. I know many would have thrown their hands in the air and would have ran the other way. I chose the latter. We have invested way too much in our marriage to give up now.

Us on our 26th anniversary June 18, 2020

Mark continued to do IOP through Lionrock 3 days a week. He was busy with assignments and often he would write them or dictate them to me, and I would type them for him. I liked doing this because it made me feel involved and it made me better understand addiction and what an addict should do to stay sober. He had to write his life story and I typed it for him. That was difficult to do even though I already knew it. He had to address issues in there that triggered further drinking, etc. He also had to write a eulogy as if he were to die today, at this age, due to alcoholism. I am including this in the blog. It is heartfelt and will make you think.

***NOTE**** This is a MADE-UP EULOGY:

Mark had a love for adventure. He loved to fish and hunt. He was father of 3 beautiful girls and a soon to be grandfather of a little girl. He was also an alcoholic, and that addiction eventually overrode all the things in his life.

At the age of 49, Mark died of acute alcohol poisoning alone at his beloved lake cabin. Mark’s descent into alcoholism did not happen overnight. But his family and close friends witnessed the final couple of years, the point at which he had fallen so far that he was unable to get up and was unreachable to those who loved him.

Mark was born on February 15, 1972, to Elmer and Cleone. He grew up in the small town of Glenfield, graduating high school from GSM in 1991. He married the love of his life, Chelee on June 18, 1994, in Binford, ND. They made their home in Carrington, ND. Mark and Chelee had 3 girls, Justine, Bailee, and Kalli. Mark worked at Dakota Growers Pasta Company for over 27 years.

His wife and girls were once the apples of his eye. Then slowly, alcohol took priority over his family. He started out drinking socially, mainly on the weekends with friends. He slowly progressed to drinking some during the week, mostly choosing his alcohol before his family. Finally, the last 2 years he began drinking every day. Every day alcohol called his name and despite his family’s efforts for him to slow down and spend more time with them, he continued into his downward spiral of alcoholism. He no longer had a hold of the alcohol; the alcohol had a hold on him.

Mark died unnecessarily. You see alcoholism is a disease, but it is a disease that with rehabilitation, God, and support of others one can control. Mark made his choice. He chose alcohol and alcohol had a firm hold on him. He felt there was no way out. He chose to drink, and he died from his drinking. He could have lived so many more years if only he would have admitted he had a problem and sought out help. But in Mark’s eyes, there was no problem. He lived and died believing he had control over the alcohol, when it was in fact, the other way around-alcohol had complete control over him. Now instead of celebrating his upcoming 50th birthday and birth of his granddaughter; We will mourn the what ifs, the should have been. We will mourn and celebrate a life taken all to soon due to the deadly disease of alcoholism. Mark’s death was so unnecessary, but unfortunately, it was also his choice.

Mark is survived by his wife Chelee of 27 years, daughters Justine (Justin) and unborn granddaughter; Binford, Bailee (Tristan) and Kalli all of Carrington; parents Elmer and Cleone; Carrington; sisters Jackie (Lyle); Belfield, and Kathy (Dale) and Patty all of Carrington.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you support AA and Al-Anon. Please consider donating to these as they are crucial in an alcoholic’s and their family’s lives. God bless.

Now, if the above eulogy doesn't make a person think! Today we pray for all addicts. We pray that if they have not found sobriety, that by God's grace, they will find it. We pray for the families of addicts. The families take on a lot of burden and they need God's strength and courage to go through life day to day.

"Don't just pray about what seems logical and possible. Pray HARD about the "impossible".....God will show you that NOTHING nothing nothing nothing is impossible with Him! EVER. PERIOD."

(Us a few years ago)

By this time, I had finished days 18-19 of the "Love Dare." Day 18 I made a meal of steak and potatoes and salad. I had Kalli serve us, and we ate on china and with fancy glasses and all. It unfortunately got interrupted as Mark had to go assist his dad up from a fall. It was a good meal and night even though it did not go as I had planned it. Thinking back, this is the day Mark realized what I was doing, and he joined me for the rest of the days. It made things more interesting.