Hope is NOT Lost

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

A lot of changes were happening within both Mark and me during this first week. We both had a lot of emotional healing to do. In order to this, we both needed individual counseling. Mark received his counseling through Hazelden. I had contacted our old pastor and I had set up a date and time to meet with him individually. Bailee took me to see him (approximately 1 ½ hours away) on Tuesday April 20th. Bailee brought her laptop with so she could participate in her college courses via Zoom. We met for almost two hours. He prayed with me, and I highlighted several more bible verses to reference. We had an amazing talk, and it was just what I needed! He informed me that he thought I was doing everything I could do on my end for now. He said what I needed to hear, and he gave me so much hope. For the first time in in a long time I felt hopeful. I honestly needed to hear a non-family member tell me that I was doing what I could and that I was going to come out on the other side alive and stronger. I am not saying that I was completely hopeless, but this was so hard to go through and deal with emotionally that I would say hope was suppressed a bit, not gone, only slightly suppressed.

Bailee was so patient and when we were done, the three of us visited for a short while. We are so lucky to have him in our life even though he is no longer a pastor at our church. Bailee and I made a stop at the local Cenex because we found out they had Hot Stuff Pizza and Hot Stuff breakfast pizza is a family favorite. We ordered one to go and I ate an entire slice. Do not judge. Up to this point I had been barely able to eat a thing, so this was a big deal, and my stomach did not hurt (bonus)! We made a stop in Cooperstown and surprised pregnant Justine with a piece of the pizza. Yah, that is right, we only gave her 1 piece. Come on, this stuff is like gold to us. All seriousness aside, I needed to make light of the situation and Bailee and Kalli needed a meal for the next day too because you have already heard how much I like to cook!

Mark called that evening, and I was excited to share what the pastor and I had discussed. I was also excited to share with him that I truly felt hopeful for myself, him, and our marriage. I told him that once he was home from rehab that the pastor had agreed to counsel us together as a couple. He thought that was a great idea. This same day is the first of numerous letters that I received from Mark. There is something about exchanging handwritten letters that is so meaningful. They are so much more meaningful than a text message-even though Mark and I both have terrible handwriting. Writing each other letters was so therapeutic for the both of us. Mark’s first letter was full of emotion and what he wrote I immediately shared with my girls, and I will share below what truly touched the girls and me. “Being at Hazelden has been a true eye opener and I admit my addiction. It was tough for me to do but, my name is Mark, and I am an alcoholic. I believe in me, and I believe in us. I have a clear head and thoughts and I understand the end goal. You and the girls are my world. I promise you I am a better man.” Then he referenced the following verses. “Do not be afraid- I with you! I am your God-Let nothing terrify you! I will make you strong and help you; I will protect you and save you.” Isaiah 41:10 “I the Lord God of your ancestor David have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you and in three days you will go to the temple.” Isaiah 38:5. When I read this letter to Justine and Bailee they really had a look of shock on their face. First, Mark called himself an alcoholic (which yes that is the term) and second, he shared bible verses. They basically asked, “Who is this person.” I told them it was still their dad but he is going to come back to us a totally changed person.

Justine and Bailee decided it was time to get me out of the house. When I was at home, I never went on social media, and I didn’t watch TV. I emersed myself in books and online education courses. My family who is reading this right now is in utter shock because I hate to read. Well, guess what? I no longer hate to read. I am currently in the middle of two different books. I guess the key to reading is to find your passion and read about it. Who knew? Anyway, the two of them took me out to eat Mexican in Devils Lake. It was hard to get out of the house. I wondered if I would see anyone I knew and if I did, what would I say to them? We got to the restaurant, and I immediately recognized a co-worker. I b-lined it out of the way just hoping she would not see me because I was in no mood nor condition to talk to anyone. We ate and got some things at Walmart and then went back home. I look back at my journal and wow did I struggle. I have come a long way and I still have a ways to go. I am pouring my heart to all of by sharing some of this. But you must hear the lows to truly appreciate how far I have come and how much of a positive change Mark and I have made individually and in our marriage. The following are a couple of short excerpts from my journal.

April 21, 2021 “Dear Mark-another day of struggling. I wonder if I will ever feel human again. Kalli woke me up and I took her to school then I laid back in bed. How can I ever keep it together?”

April 22, 2021, “Dear Mark-Last night was not restful. Lots of dreams and waking up. I am struggling. I am praying hard for you, me, and us as a couple. I have to believe everything will be better than ever, but some days are so much harder than others and today is one of them. Then you called. You are so positive all the time when you talk to me. I am not used to that. You keep telling me to hold my head up and try my best to focus on today and be positive. Who is this man I am talking to? This is so out of the realm for you-positivity.”

Mark was already a completely different person on the inside. I could hear the positive changes when he called me at night. I could feel it when I read his beautiful letters. He talked about reading the bible, reading various other books, watching educational videos, and meditating daily. He talked about how he surrounded himself with positivity and if others were being negative he tried to change their attitude or if he had to, he would walk a way. Seriously, is this really my husband? By the Grace of God, we were getting to know each other again. It was as if we were starting over-which I guess we were.