Humble Beauty

"All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 4:15

It has been a busy couple of weeks, and we have so much to be grateful for. I know I say this a lot, but I truly look for the good in every situation. When you replace "why is this happening to me" with "what is God trying to show me," everything changes. It is so true. Both Mark and I have used this, and it has changed everything in our lives. It is about perception and faith. It doesn't mean that things are going to be easy or that bad things aren't going to happen to you. It only means that if you choose to see what God is showing you; you can find the meaning of the situation-both good and bad.

When our lives reached a turning point nearly 18 months ago, I would never have thought I would be where I am today. So much has changed. What I thought I was losing was nothing compared to what I have gained. Both Mark and I chose to look at life and live our lives differently. It was hard and scary at first. In the beginning I allowed fear to overtake me, and this caused me a lot of anxiety and subsequently occasional panic attacks. I was so focused on how everyone else was doing and feeling that I continued to neglect myself. I was doing the right things in a lot of areas, but still was suffering from anxiety and fear. Through the help of Al-anon, I have realized that I need to focus on me first because if I am not all right, I cannot be there fully for my family.

In my last blog post, I told you that I finally chose a sponsor in Al-anon. When I first entered Al-anon, I had no idea how similar it was to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know that I was supposed to find a sponsor. I knew I was supposed to do the 12 steps; but I was so naive. I am currently redoing the 12 steps with my sponsor. This time, I will take my time and really look at each step and what they fully mean. It is a process that often people in Al-anon and Alcoholics Anonymous repeat many times throughout their lives. Each time is a learning process and a humbling experience.

I recently wrote my story. I read it to Mark and my sponsor. I was asked to speak at an Al-Anon meeting based in New York. This past weekend, I spoke my story, my truth for the first time ever in front of around 50 people. So many people responded to me on how they related to my story but hadn't had the courage to fully tell their own story. A few people were new to the meeting and asked for my number so they could contact me as their story had a lot of similarities. One man spoke on how he was so humbled that I spoke the truth about mental health. He stated that he feels that so much emphasis is placed on the addict regarding their mental health issues that often their loved one's mental health is set aside. So many people responded and wanted to speak that the meeting ran out of time. I was asked to stay on longer so anyone who hadn't gotten the chance to respond could do so. I was on for another 45 minutes listening to other people tell me how my story inspired them. What, I inspired others with my story? Yes, Chelee, yes you did and darn it, I am proud of myself! It was a humbling and exhilarating experience that I hope to continue. I want to share with other Al-Anon members my story. Every time I share it, I heal a little more.

I want to thank Mark for his amazing compassion and encouragement. It was Mark that sat me down a few weeks ago and had a heart-to-heart talk with me. I was having a bad day and he held me face to face with him. He told me that it was time to write my story, my truth. He told me that if I write it I will feel better. He then told me that if I read it to someone, I will feel even better. Then he encouraged me to share my story in front of a group. He said that every time I share my story, I will feel like a load has been lightened. He told me it will help me heal even more. Guess what, he was right. At times, I must take a step back and ask myself, "Who is this man?" This is the man that I always knew Mark was, but he didn't know how to express himself. This is the man I love, and he is better than I ever could have imagined. I thank God every day for all his miracles. I can clearly see what God was trying to show me, show us all along. It didn't come quick, and it didn't come easy, but it came. But guess what, my story, our story is not done. It is only beginning.