Judgement Day

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

"Let any of you who is without sin cast the first stone." John 8:7

It is so easy to judge others. Honestly, judging can be an ugly thing. We all have done it at one time or another. We are all guilty of judging others. Maybe you were at the gym and wondered why that "skinny" girl was there when there is no need for her to work out. Maybe you saw someone with a horrible makeup job and wondered how she could possibly go out in public like that. Maybe you saw a man out to eat with a child and the man was filthy and he had dirty, tattered clothing and you couldn't believe he would take a child in public looking so filthy and wearing that soiled clothing. When you judge others, you aren't defining them, you are defining yourself. The skinny girl at the gym, she has a rare disease in which she cannot gain wait. She is actually very sick. She is working out to try and gain muscle mass and help her gain weight, and by doing so it takes every ounce of energy she can muster up. The girl you saw that had that horrific makeup job; it turns out she recently had a bad accident. Her face became disfigured, and she has makeup on trying to conceal her most recent scars and bruises from one of the dozens of surgeries she recently had to correct these disfigurements. The man who was filthy and wearing dirty, tattered clothing, well he is a recent single father. He lost the love of his life after she battled cancer for years. To pay his bills, he works 60 plus hours a week working as a welder. His clothes are permanently stained from grease and have holes from the sparks the welding reflects. He decided to treat his son to a meal out for his birthday. He came straight from work and was unable to change his clothing first. When you hear this, it can put things into perspective. It might even make you feel guilty for judging in the first place.

Did you know that you usually judge others in the areas where you feel the weakest? Maybe you are desperately trying to lose weight and it is a huge struggle. So, when you saw that skinny girl at the gym, you were judging yourself. When you saw that woman with the terrible makeup job, maybe you judged because she took the time to try and make herself up. You are out in public with sweats, messy hair, and no makeup. Maybe you wished you had taken the time to look better. When you saw that filthy man with the child eating out, maybe you envy him. He took the time to spend one on one time with his child and they look like they are having the time of their life. You have been neglecting your child. You have been too busy at work and once you get home, you are exhausted and only want to shower and go to bed. You haven't had any one-on-one time with your own child in months.

Is it realistic not to ever be judgmental? Probably not. We can be more conscious of our judgmental attitudes. The next time you find yourself wanting to place judgement, stop yourself. Be curious, but don't judge. Curiosity can keep you open to the possibility that there is something about the situation you may not know or fully understand. When you switch to this mind frame, it allows you shift to a more positive frame of mind. Often times, the worst judgements we make, are on ourselves. Judgement can hurt. It can leave deep wounds and lead to resentment.

This week is the week before Mark's big sobriety anniversary. A lot went down the week before things came to a head in our lives. Honestly, thinking about this week and the weeks that followed bring a huge wave of anxiety to me. It makes me literally sick to my stomach. One year ago, it was Easter weekend. I had my sisters here, my brother-in-law, and a couple of my nephews. They didn't know how broken I was. I hid it well. They didn't know, I didn't know, that by the end of the week, Mark would admit he was an alcoholic and we would both have to come to terms with awful things that were said and done in the past. We didn't know that soon Mark would have his last drunken experience, one that would make me question everything in my life and our marriage.

Last year at this time, with my family here, Mark said he was going to see his dad. I knew he was going to the bar. So, we all joined him at the bar, much to his surprise. My sister Marci and my mom stayed behind. We spent a few hours drinking and gambling. By the time we got home, we continued drinking at home. Mark and I were both feeling no pain. I had started drinking more and more to appease Mark and try and "get into his world." This night I said some awful things to my sister and then Mark yelled at me in front of my entire family. My sister called me a mean drunk. I was shocked, hurt, and embarrassed. These feelings were not aimed at Mark or my sister, yet they were aimed at me. How could I let my life get so out of control? How could I have said such hurtful and sarcastic things to my sister? How could I have stooped to such a low level that I was choosing to get drunk while my family was visiting. How could I do all of this in front of my family, my children? I immediately went to apologize to my sister. She didn't want to hear it and frankly in my frame of mind, I probably wasn't even being sincere. The next day, Easter Sunday, we made up and I said a sincere apology. This would be the last weekend that I would take a drink.

I realized drinking no longer served a purpose in my life. I realized I had been praying daily for Mark and his drinking, all the while not praying for myself. I had lost complete faith in myself. This week I questioned God. I asked him why he would allow me to go through so much anguish and heartache. I had been praying for Mark to quit drinking, to see the light. Why hadn't God answered my prayers? Where was He? Was He even listening? I was ready to call it quits. I was seriously contemplating whether I should stay in our marriage. Easter Sunday, Mark manned the smoker and cooked most of the meal. Later I would find out, he started cooking and drinking by 9:30 or 10 am. He was full blown, well on his way to drunk by the time we ate. I found this out through text messages that he was sending to numerous people on his phone, all of which he doesn't even remember.

Easter was over and my sister and her family returned home to Minnesota. All the while I was thinking, "Did they notice how bad Mark's drinking had become? Did they notice that I was about to lose it or was I a good actress?" I realized that I still had to act like things were great because my sister Marci was home for several days after Easter. I focused on bonding with her. Together we got a lot of my mom's financial affairs in order and went through some things stored in the garage. We went to Jamestown and showed her Bailee's dorm. We headed to our lake lot and showed her our home away from home. All the while Mark was absent. He was having the time of his life drinking it up at home, the bar, and driving around the country drinking. He could do this easier because I was preoccupied with my sister being home. He didn't have to make up as many excuses this week.

Thursday, April 8, 2021, I took my sister back to the airport so she could return home to her family in Carlsbad, California. That morning I woke up with a different attitude. I had a dream, and, in that dream, God came to me and told me to hold on. I saw Mark and I together in this dream. I saw our beautiful family. I saw our unborn granddaughter. In my dream I held on to those words God spoke to me, "hold on." I woke up and I wrote Mark a note on a sticky note and placed it in the middle of our bathroom mirror. It remains in the same spot, untouched. Maybe this note touched him more than I know. Maybe this note made him think about his life and where it was headed. All I know, looking back, I had no idea the roller coaster ride I was about to be on. I had no idea how trying, yet wonderful, beautiful, and amazing the next year would be.

This note remains on our mirror today..