Let Go and Let God

” More than that, we rejoice knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5: 3-5

Chelee and Mark December 2020

It’s hard to let go sometimes. If you are a parent, think back a bit. You’ve held your child’s hand and now you have to let go so that he or she can learn to walk on their own. Then you hold their hand, and you have to let go to allow them to attend school. Then, before you know it, you’re holding their hand and you have to let go of them to allow them to expand their wings and head off to college. I know this analogy may not seem the same as what I’m about to say, but to me it felt very similar. Monday May 10th, I returned to work. I was so anxious and worried. I had learned in Al-anon a slogan that kept playing in my head, “Let go and let God.” I had to let go. I am only in control myself and Mark was in control of himself. I had to trust that he was going to be fine. I’ve always struggled with control issues. I’m not saying that I’m necessarily a controlling person, but I’m a mom and a nurse and those rolls require me to be nurturing and require me care for my children and my patients. I wanted so bad to “care” for Mark, but I had to let go and let God.

We were able to text throughout the day and we talked on my lunch. When I returned home, I was greeted with the most amazing heartfelt hug. Mark then showed me his list and all that he had accomplished. He was able to contact a newer facility called Lionrock that exclusively offered IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). They were checking with our insurance and a call was set up for the next day for the two of us to hear what they had to offer, cost, etc. He said, “I feel very encouraged knowing that I accomplished an important step. I know there is a plan to continue and extend my progress and journey with sobriety.” We both made it through that day without issues. We both had to let go and trust in God and ourselves. Tomorrow is a new day full of wonderful possibilities.

Anxiety and insomnia overtook me that night again. I wonder how I was able to even function some days. I averaged 2 -3 hours of interrupted sleep a night. Mark was amazing and would just lie with me and try and hold me until I would fall asleep. I was always so worried that my emotions would trigger Mark, but he reassured me he would let me know if anything was a trigger. By this point, it had been almost 4 weeks and Mark had not had one trigger and had never had a craving. We were both so thankful for that.

I went to work that Tuesday and by the time I arrived, Mark had already sent me his daily check in for attitude/feelings and goals. it was what I needed. He always had/has a way of lifting me up with his beautiful words. Sometimes I would be feeling so anxious and overwhelmed for no apparent reason and out of nowhere a text from Mark would appear. It often would be as simple as saying, “I love you and I am proud of you!” God knew when I was struggling, and I feel it was by his grace that I would receive these words from Mark at that exact moment I needed them most. It is texts and words like these that helped me through my days and continue to do so.

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." John 14:1

That evening Lionrock called and went over the intake process with Mark and me. We found our insurance would cover, but it was considered an out-of-network provider. Neither of us cared about that because we both knew it was essential that Mark continue with his IOP so he could continue to learn the tools he needed to be successful with sobriety. All Lionrock IOP was done via Zoom, and this included weekly counseling sessions. Mark was scheduled for IOP 3 days a week from 5 pm to 8 pm and his counseling would be 1 day a week for an hour. By doing his IOP this way, Mark would be able to return to work full time. He was scheduled to start right away on Wednesday May 12th.

Looking back at my journal, I went to work on May 12th. I went to work with no sleep. My anxiety and depression overtook me. I texted Mark numerous times and debated going home as my emotions were getting the best of me. I had a full-blown anxiety attack at work. I took 10 minutes and video chatted with him and he was able to calm me. I wasn’t even able to speak, but Mark talked to me constantly until I was able to somewhat function. By that afternoon I knew I needed to see a counselor. I made an appointment to see an addiction counselor who also dealt with mental health. She was able to fit me in the next day. By the time I got home from work, I was exhausted both physically and mentally.

At 5 that afternoon, I helped Mark get on Zoom for his first IOP with Lionrock. The session went well, and he was very optimistic that this was going to be a great fit. In Mark's words, "I was looking forward to furthering my knowledge on the root cause of my alcoholism. I wanted to research more into how I was viewed during my drinking days and how my life could be so much better without alcohol in it. I wanted to share with others how It's ok to ask for help versus doing things on your own. Sometimes professional help is what a person needs, and it was what I needed, and I have benefited greatly from it. I am glad I went for inpatient at Hazelden and then went on to do my IOP with Lionrock. Looking back, I would not have done it any other way and I am thankful for the knowledge I gained and the friendships I made along the way." With Lionrock, there was going to be a lot of homework. In upcoming posts, I will share a few things that really made us both stop in our tracks and thank God Mark got the help he needed.

That Thursday I had my first session with my counselor. I had never had any professional counseling before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I don't know how she understood half of what I was saying as I cried the entire session. Even though I cried, I felt some relief when it was over. I think I needed to unload everything on someone other than Mark and other family members. She reassured me that I was doing all the right steps and I made a return appointment for the next week. That night I helped Mark do some of his homework for Lionrock. The following verse is one I shared with Mark on this day.

"I took my trouble to the Lord; I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer." Psalms 1201

I had completed days 1-6 in the "Dare to Love" challenge. Nothing too extravagant in these days. I think day 2 I left a favorite treat on his pillow. Day 3 I left a card and love note in his pickup for him to find. Day 5 he answered the question but was a bit confused as to why I asked it. I figured by now he would have realized what I was doing, but he hadn’t caught on yet!