Marriage is a Team

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve my troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish." Psalm 25: 16-17

Wedding day…June 18,1994

Sleep was something I lacked greatly. I still don't always sleep great, but it is much improved. In my journal for May 14th, I was up by 4am. When insomnia hits, I can get a lot done. I will do dishes, laundry, and clean while everyone else is sound asleep. Who am I kidding? I am not a quiet person, so I am sure everyone knows when I am up. Anyway, this morning I did a lot of housework and I meditated. I had meditated off and on in the past, but not consistently. Mark had consistently done morning meditation in rehab and he encouraged me to do this. He said it really helped him to relax and see a clear picture. I did several different meditations that morning and it did greatly relieve my anxiety. Every morning I would always (and still do) lay my hands on Mark and pray while he was still sleeping. Doing this gave (and still gives) me a great sense of peace.

That Friday Mark did his IOP with Lionrock. It was his turn to choose a song (something they took turns doing every session). Mark chose none other than "You Say" by Lauren Daigle (song I referenced in an earlier post). He had to say why he chose it, including the meaning behind it. He told them that this song had gotten him through some of his darkest days and it held a great deal of meaning to him and always will. After his IOP we headed to the lake for the weekend. The next day I had a tough day. Yah I know, I say that a lot. The following is some of what I wrote in my journal.

"Today was a tough day for me. I was very anxious all day. You sensed it. I hurt emotionally. You let me cry on your shoulder and you held me. Sometimes I must stop and ask myself, "Who is this man beside me?" You have had so many positive changes. We can fix things together and do it without fighting. You used to get so aggravated with me and we'd always end in a fight and me crying. We got a lot accomplished today and did so without any arguing and we worked as a team. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Keep teaching me things you have learned and continue to learn, and I will try and apply the ones that are pertinent to me. I love you more than you know!"

The next day we went to Justine's and helped her do a few things at her house. We got home and did our daily readings and we prayed together. Mark was very nervous to go back to work. He was worried everyone would ask him a lot of questions. "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear." Psalm 118:6. Monday we both went to work and Mark was welcomed back with open arms and he said that no one asked questions. We both received new ultrasound images of our unborn granddaughter and Justine said that everything was looking good with baby girl. Mark continued to participate in his IOP with Lionrock 3 days a week. He had a lot of assignments to complete and he dove right in. The following are his goodbye letter to alcohol and his hello letter to recovery (shared with the permission of Mark).

"Dear Budlight, what a long, weary road we have traveled together. When I first met you at the ripe age of 14, I had no idea what an impact you would make on my life. Unfortunately, you did not make a good kind of impact.

When I first saw you in my dad’s refrigerator, I thought you tasted awful, but somehow you made me feel good. It wasn’t too long before I acquired quite the taste for you. I hate to tell you, but I don’t think anyone starts their relationship with you thinking that you will one day have a complete hold on me and control my life. You were quite the enticing beverage. I watched commercials of you, and it made me want you more and more. You promised me nothing, but a good time and wow did you taste good.

You lured me in with your false promises of always having a good time. You made me believe you would take away all my worries. You made me feel confident and invincible. In reality, with you as a friend, I was not who I thought I was. You took from me all that was important in my life, while blinding me to those same things. You tried to ruin my marriage and relationships with people close to me.

I finally wised up to all the lies that you have told me throughout the years. You were an instigator to so many regretful times. The ringleader of my bad decisions and otherwise unconscious behaviors. You are a backstabber and stress creator, not reliever. I am thankful that I finally said NO to you. I do not need, nor do I want you in my life ever again. I am a better person without you in my life. NEVER AGAIN, Mark

Dear Recovery, my name is Mark. I have just finished a very abusive and insignificant relationship with Bud Light. I am currently 42 days sober. I am committed to having a long-term relationship with you recovery. I have absolutely no interest in ever resuming my relationship with Bud Light or any other alcohol.

I am firm in my commitment to sobriety, relying on the tools of recovery to get through each circumstance. The relationship with my children has been restored. The relationship with my wife is in the process of being restored and I hope it will be stronger and better than ever. I have regained my faith in God and have committed to having him in my marriage and my life in general. I want to continue to stay on a clear path of sobriety focusing on positivity vs. negativity.

I will continue with my IOP with Lionrock and they are giving me additional skills and tools to help me in my recovery. I attend local AA meetings and have bonded with several of the individuals within this group. I do individual counseling with Lionrock and will continue this with a local addiction counselor once IOP is done if need be. My wife and I are attending marriage counseling and we believe we have a bright future together. I continue my search for a sponsor who I can confide in and rely on. I want to live my life to the fullest and do so without alcohol in my life.

I have made other changes to my life. I eat a better-balanced diet (no more chicken in a can for a meal). I meditate at times if needed. I also pray regularly by myself and with my wife. I read the daily passage from my AA book with my wife. My family and friends say that I am a changed man. They tell me I am more positive, helpful, loving, caring, and just all-around better person. I am excited to be a more involved husband, father, and soon to be grandfather. Recovery, I need you to do all the things I have mentioned. Please continue to give me a chance. Sincerely, Mark”

What Mark wrote above sure made us think. I was (and still am) so thankful Mark was on the road to recovery. "You must learn, you must let God teach you, that the only way to get rid of your past is to make a future out of it. God will waste nothing."

I finished days 7-12 of the "Dare to Love." Day 7 was where I made 2 lists: positive things about Mark and negative things. Day 8 I burned the negative attributes list and it was exhilerating. Then I shared with Mark how proud I was of him for his sobriety and his positive changes that he had made. Day 10 I made his favorite dessert-one I had never made homemade before. Those are a few things that stand out for those days. Mark still hadn't caught on to what I was doing. I encourage you to do the "Dare to Love" challenge if you haven't already.