Serenity & Making Ammends

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2

I need to share this picture. This was taken of me and our girls at my oldest daughter’s baby shower on July 10th. Going from left to right (for those who don’t know us that well) Justine, me, Kalli, and Bailee. My dear friend Beve took this picture. Do you know why I absolutely love it? I don’t just love it because it’s a picture of me with my beautiful daughters; I love it because she captured a picture of me actually laughing. You see, there was a time not so long ago when I did not think I would ever laugh again. I did not think it was even possible. I didn’t think I would ever truly be able to smile again. This picture is amazing to me. When Beve sent me this picture, I had Mark save it to his phone. I told him that when I have a bad day emotionally, I need him to show me this picture and remind me that I can laugh, and I can find joy because I already have and this picture is proof. Alright, I had better get on with our story.

The next day is really quite a blur. I do know Mark did get his phone and we were able to video chat for about 1 1/2 hrs. It’s probably a good thing that I did journal because most days honestly were a blur during that time. On Monday April 19th I signed up for an all-day family program through Hazelden. It was a 6–7-hour course via Zoom. There were approximately 8-10 of who participated this particular day. Each of us had a loved one in treatment at a Hazelden facility. I took a lot of notes, and I learned a lot about addiction that day. The following are some things that I took away from the workshop.

ETA- Engagement-we are just trying to manage.

Tolerate-we give up and tolerate it. Trust and communication are lacking.

Avoid-we will often avoid situations or avoid the addict themself,

3 C’s- You cannot CONTROL it.

You cannot CURE it.

You did not CAUSE it.

ADDICTION AND THE DISEASE MODEL

Prefrontal Cortex- The process of addiction can negatively affect this area of the brain and alter its functioning. The prefrontal cortex enables us to make rational, sound decisions. It also helps us to override impulsive urges. If acted upon, these impulse urges can cause us to act without thinking.

When drugs or alcohol have crossed the line to addiction, it is now a lifeline for the addict. The drug or alcohol is now the main way for the addict to stay alive and cope. When someone suffers from addiction, they have a defect in their brain.

Trust is lost in buckets and earned in drips.

Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.

We also reviewed the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-anon. I immediately started on the 12 steps. I knew the 1st thing that I needed to do. I needed to make amends with some of Mark's family. There were resentments and animosities between us over the past several years and neither side was willing to budge. It was time for me to be the better person and make amends. I had Bailee drive me over to Mark's family. On the way over, Bailee asked me what I was going to say. I told her that I had absolutely no idea and that I would think of something when we got there. Once we saw his family, I began to speak. I talked for a while and then we all hugged. I had made amends and it felt so good! A huge weight was lifted from me that night. Bailee and I got in the car, and she turned to me and said, "That was beautiful. How did you come up with those words?" I told her, "I didn't. God spoke through me. He gave me the words." Then I wept just as Jesus had wept.

"When they bring you to trial, do not worry about what you are going to say or how you will say it; when the time comes, you will be given what you will say. For the words you will speak will not be yours; they will come from the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Matthew 10:19-20

That night, Bailee helped me order the serenity prayer to place over our bed. This is the prayer spoken at the beginning of every AA and Al-anon meeting.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference. Many people have asked me how an alcoholic (or addict) chooses alcohol (or what they are addicted to) over their own family. I wish I had a simple answer for this question. I asked Mark this question, and the following was his answer.

”Addiction in its active phase or at its prime feels like you are in the darkest hole you can ever imagine and there is absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. Alcohol had so much power over me that I was out of control, and I lost faith. I felt depressed, hopeless, fear, grief, discouraged, and completely out of control. I was not able to deal with these feelings as I suppressed them deep inside. The more I suppressed these feelings, the more I drank. The more I drank, the more out of control I became, and these feelings only intensified. I chose alcohol over my family. If I was having a bad day at work, I had a plan laid out immediately and I knew that the minute I got off work, I was going to have a beer. It's a disease that affects the brain and it had a hold on me, and the decision-making process was very altered. I had to write during my IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program/treatment) what the personal payoffs of drinking were for me. These are a few that I wrote: relief from emotional pain, stress relief, escape from reality, mentally craved it, loved the taste of beer, relieved anxiety/overwhelmed feeling, relaxation, boredom, and reliving the past. I then had to write some of the personal costs of drinking. These were some that I wrote: broken relationship with spouse, judgement, altered mood, memory loss, night sweats, insomnia, hangovers, unreliable, poor role model, and black outs. I don’t EVER want to feel that way again and I don’t EVER want to go back to that dark hole. I feel like a completely new person, and I see life with a clear picture for the first time in years. I chose sober because I wanted a better life. I stay sober because I got one."

Someone shared this song with me and I just wanted to share it with all of you too. I hope you enjoy and listen to the words.