Shattered Dreams or New Beginnings

"And the one who was seated on the throne said, “See, I am making all things new." Also, he said, "Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true." Revelation 21:5.

"You must learn, you must let God teach you, that the only way to get rid of your past is to make a future out of it. God will waste nothing." Phillip Brooks

Have you gone through something in your life and at the time thought that your entire life had ended? The world as you knew it was forever changed. Maybe someone very close to you moved far away. Maybe someone you loved with every being of your heart and soul passed away. Maybe you lost your job and had a family to provide for and had no idea what you were going to do. Maybe you experienced some other type of loss so great that you felt there was no way life was ever going to be even close to good again. Everyone experiences loss in their lifetime. At some point, you may even feel as if your whole world has been shattered and there was no way to come back from it. I have personally been there, more than once. When I think about it, there have been several occurrences in my life that made me question if I could ever return emotionally and feel halfway normal again.

But guess what? Much to my surprise, each time I persevered, and I came back stronger than before. Some of these instances have obviously been worse and shook me to my core. But, each time, I have been able to recover. Some days I still feel a long way off, while other days I can see the great progress I have made. I am reminded of a quote a very wise, kind, and Godly woman sent me exactly one year ago. "Keep on the straight-ahead in the new direction you found. Fight off despair and try to be happy, and most of all, don't look back until you know what you can see can't hurt you."

Every day I continue to pray and thank God that he has lessened my anxiety and pain. A year ago, I could not even imagine feeling even close to my old self. A year ago, I wrote in my journal that I had eaten my first full meal in two weeks. The first two weeks after Mark admitted his alcoholism, I was in full robot mode. I went through the motions, but don't recall a lot. I am so glad I journaled. After only two weeks, my physical and emotional health was on a downward slide. I tried so hard to hide it, but it was obvious that I was struggling. Mark texted our friends and asked them to check up on me and make sure that I ate. When I get stressed and anxious, I can't eat. A lot of people have the opposite effect and overeat, but not me. I dropped at least 15 lbs. in the first two weeks. With the physical and emotional ailments came great insomnia and a lot of nightmares. Some nights I didn't even want to try and go to sleep because I feared my dreams.

It would take me a lot of reading and soul searching to realize that I control my thoughts, feelings, and reactions. If I went to bed anxious and thinking bad thoughts, I would have nightmares and wake up anxious and thinking bad thoughts. If I went to bed with good thoughts, I wouldn't have nightmares and I woke up with good thoughts. Novel concept, isn't it? I had heard this before, but never really thought it truly worked. Now I know that is fully works and I try my best to go to bed with good thoughts. I think this is why Mark and I started sharing what we are grateful for just before we go to bed. We share our grateful things and then we pray. What a world of difference this has made.

Here is part of my journal entry from a year ago, April 21, 2021.

Dear Mark,

Another day of struggling. I wonder if I will every feel human again. Kalli woke me up to take her to school and then I went back to bed. Sometimes I don't ever want to wake up. How can I ever keep it together? Pastor's words that he shared with me at counseling are resonating through my soul. "Alcoholics are liars and unfortunately they are very good at it. They choose alcohol over anyone and anything with no sense of regard." Today is a day I wonder how the pieces can be put back together. I am turning to prayer. These are my feelings and I apologize if they are negative but, they are true and right now these feelings are shaking me down to the core. I looked up scriptures. "Forgiveness allows God to carry the weight of our woundedness." Mark, I have spoken to you three times today. I feel like we are getting to know each other again. This my love will take time and I only hope we weep the glorious rewards and become stronger and more loving than ever. I love you to Maui and back.

Love Forever, Chel

Occasionally, I will read a journal entry from a year ago out loud with Mark. It is a great reminder of how far we both have come. We both have made a lot of positive changes in our lives. A year ago, Mark was in rehab 350 miles from home, while I tried my best to keep it together at home. I made some decisions during Mark's time away that I wonder how or why I didn't wait. No decisions like you are probably thinking, but decisions about building a garage at our lake. I made most of the decisions with Bailee's help and then let Mark know what we decided. He had the general idea in his head prior to going to rehab, but it all transpired while he was gone. So, it was me that signed off one the size, rough drafts, etc. I did all of this and then told Mark it was done. He was surprised and agreed with all the decisions that I had made. I think I did it because deep down inside of me, the building was something permanent and it represented a future. Even though as I was making these decisions, I could not clearly see a future, to me God called me to make these decisions so that I knew there was indeed a future in sight and to trust in him. I know that this may sound strange to many, but I wanted to share. One year ago, I felt my life was a shattered dream. However, looking back, it was a beautiful new beginning.

Shattered dreams don't have to mean life ending. At the time it may seem like there is no way back. However, if you trust in God, he will see you through and many new and beautiful new beginnings can arise from these shattered dreams. Trust your heart and believe in yourself. And most importantly, give it to God. When the burdens are too great for you to carry, give it to God and he will carry them for you. That my friends, is the glory of God and you too not only deserve it, but you too can also have it. Believe. Faith. Hope. Love.