Taking Inventory of Yourself

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

I must admit, fear is a part of me. I fear what if. I fear rejection. I fear abandondment. Growing up in my loving Christian family, you may wonder how I can have faith in God yet have so much fear. The darn disease of alcoholism and its effects caused me to question so many things. For a long time I struggled with what was real and what I perceived as reality. I had always been a confident woman and I found myself questioning everything about myself and my life. I questioned everything down to the most futile of things. It was exhausting and took so much away from the serenity I was tryng to acheive . I am improving daily, but I still struggle with fear from time to time. I pray a lot and try to give it all to God. With prayer and the working of my steps, I am finding my self and overcoming my fear.

Have you ever taken the time to look deep inside yourself? I mean truly look deep inside yourself examining every attribute: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is a very hard concept to grasp, but one that I admit is nothing less than exhilarating and freeing. Chances are you have examined yourself in some ways and tried to make changes where you felt they were necessary. I have never dug so deep within my inner self as I did while doing the fourth step in Al-Anon; made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. The fourth step of the 12-step program states that it is designed to help a person take a courageous and honest look at his or her life and identify any negative thoughts, actions, and emotions. It helps a person to become more self-aware by bringing to light some of his or her undesirable characteristics, so he or she can begin to change. This is my second time completing this step and a lot of people in recovery, both Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon tend to do this inventory yearly.

"The search of fulfilment, the search of meaning, the search of worth.

It doesn’t come in anything you show can show someone else.

It doesn’t end with some amount of numbers on a page.

It’s generated from within.

And it’s available right now.

But be careful. The quickest way to lose it is by comparing yourself to others.

Every time you do, you trade off a little bit of yourself. That energy gets lost.

It’s counterintuitive but you benefit others by not caring about what they think.

You benefit them by being the best version of you.

Of course, you can take their opinion, listen to their advice, apply their teachings but in the

end it’s all on you" (Daniel Bourke, web).

The relationship that you have with yourself is the only relationship you are guaranteed for life (other than your relationship to God). Awareness of self is a continuous process that never really ends. When you dive deep into the essence of your existence, your self-awareness develops more and more. As you do so, you take valuable lessons that you gradually incorporate into every aspect of your life. This is the way to break free from unnecessary and unwanted old habits and patterns that have been unconsciously directing your path in life.

I challenge you to take the time to do an inventory of yourself. It doesn't have to be as extensive as doing the entire fourth step of a 12-step program. But investigate how to take a personal inventory of yourself. I promise you it will enlighten you. It will help you to let go of things in the past that you haven't been able to. It will help you get rid of unneeded and unwanted resentments. It will help to forgive in areas you never thought possible. It will help you deal with any shame. It will help you get rid of guilt and fear. It will allow you to see yourself for who you truly are. It will help rid you of character defects and help you bring to light all your wonderful assets. It will make you feel lighter and freer. It will change you for the better. Do not ever think that you are not good enough or that you can't. You are good enough and you can!

Every day when I pray, I start by thanking God, it can change my whole mindset for the day. Last weekend it was my birthday. On Friday, I went to get my hair done. While at the salon, I received a text from Mark. He told me we were headed on a short adventure for the night. I returned home and he had everything packed and in the car. He took me to an overnight trip to Fargo. He had made dinner reservations at the Rustica in Moorhead. He had even packed a dress and shoes for me and a shirt and tie for him. Color me more than impressed! He took me shopping, which the both of us really don't enjoy, but it was nice to do it-just the two of us. We even went to a movie. This is the man I knew Mark was all along, only he is so much more compassionate and loving than I ever dreamed of. Thank you, Jesus for Mark’s sobriety, and all the positive changes’ sobriety has brought out in him. Mark is proof that working hard, putting in the time to do the steps, and taking a continual self-inventory can change lives for the better. God has blessed us in so many ways. Our journey is far from over and the path we pave keeps getting better and better.