The Gift of Forgiveness
- Chelee-Mark Finch
- Jul 15, 2021
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 6, 2021
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:13-14
Depression and anxiety, these are two issues that I have struggled with off and on since my teenage years. I've been on antidepressants since Bailee was born 22 years ago. When certain "life altering events" occur, that is when I get anxiety and I struggle more with depression. I have never had an actual prescription for anti-anxiety medications, but the medication I am on for depression is supposed to help anxiety. Anxiety hit me like I had been sucker punched in the gut and it took my breath away. I have had so many anxiety attacks the past few months that when Kalli hears me cry, she yells, "Dad, mom's having another panic attack." The attacks have lessened greatly, and I will get into more of that at a later time. I will share things I have learned to combat the anxiety and feel human again. But I better get on with the story.
When I left off last, Bailee, Aaron, and I were on the way home. The ride home from Center City was uneventful. The three of us made a few stops to try and lighten the mood. Honestly, the stops were for ice cream, Cabelas, Scheels, and food to go from Olive Garden. We made it home around 6pm. Kalli, Justine, and Tristan (Bailee's boyfriend) were all there to greet us. We sat around the kitchen island and every one of the kids were staring at me. They were looking to me for answers. I told all of them to ask any questions they wanted. l found we all had a lot of hurt and anger. My girls and me all shed tears. They wanted answers that I could not give them. All I could tell them is that their dad needed our prayers now more than ever and told them that both their dad and I were praying for them and us as a family. I started a journal that day. I addressed it to Mark. The following is part of the first entry I made.
"Mark-today marks the first true day of your new life. I prayed hard today for you to find the inner peace and strength you so need to do this. I prayed for us as a couple and for us and our three girls as a family. I listened to Christian music all the way home and I prayed over and over. I got home and little did I know how hard this would be. Way harder than I thought. I have all 3 girls here with me, but I still feel alone. I feel empty. I feel broken. I want and need you and you are not here. I know you are where you need to be and where you MUST be at this time. But me.....what about me? How can I ever pick up the pieces that are shattered? I know...one piece at a time, but this is so hard! I was about to lose it and out of know where you called. We were shocked! We thought we wouldn't hear from you for days! I felt so reassured. I needed to hear your voice. You sounded way better than I expected and way better than when we left you this morning. I don't know if I will be able to sleep without you next to me. The past week has been the most trying of our marriage-yet very inspiring. You found God and we prayed together. That alone is truly amazing. I do love you with all of my heart and we will get through this and be better than ever!"
That night Bailee decided to do the next week of her college courses all online so she could stay with me. I had decided to take the whole week off from work. I needed to just plain get my head on straight. I also knew I needed to start educating myself on so many things. Before we left Hazelden, they gave me a website to use. The website contained a lot of online and interactive resources on addiction. It even had whole day family events/education since no in person family events were allowed due to Covid restrictions. I felt overwhelmed just thinking about taking care of myself, let alone being the primary caregiver, head of household, etc. My gosh, Mark was the main chef. Kalli thought we were going to starve. Bailee reassured her that I would at least make a mean breakfast, chicken strips, or grilled cheese. I can cook more, but it's a running joke that those are my 3 favorite things to cook, because they are easy to "whip up."
Saturday the 17th I woke up early. Who am I kidding? I barely slept, but that was nothing new. I couldn't sleep and I could barely eat. My stomach hurt from anxiety, or was it from lack of food, or both? In any case, this is the day I started reading the first of many books. The first book I dove into was "The Gift of Forgiveness" by Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt. I highly recommend this book. It is an easy read and has various stories and how each person chose to forgive. There are stories of kidnapping, murder, infidelity, rape, etc. Each story is unique and tells how they chose to forgive the offender. Yes, forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling. It is a choice. It is a choice that one may have to choose over and over again for the offense. In my 6-page letter I wrote to Mark, I chose to forgive him. I told him that I forgave him in that letter. Even though I forgave Mark, I have had to forgive him over and over again-and that's ok. Each time I have forgiven him, a weight is lifted from me. Being free from the burden of resentment is the most amazing feeling. Giving forgiveness is truly for yourself. It lifts the burden from you. If you hold resentments because you have chosen not to forgive someone. I encourage you to read this book. I promise it will shed light on forgiveness and even people forgiving the unthinkable or what most feel is unforgiveable. Below is a link for the book. There are other ways to purchase it, but I wanted to include it in my blog.
Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
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