Two are Better than One

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their hard work. If either should fall, one can pick up the other. But how miserable are those who fall and don't have a companion to help them up! Also, if two lie down together, they can stay warm. But how can anyone stay warm alone? Also, one can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn't easily snap." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Why did you first fall in love with your spouse? What made you love them?Were they kind, caring, and loving? Did they give you their undivided attention? Did they surprise you with flowers or other gifts? Did they tell you frequently how much you meant to them? Do you find yourself becoming annoyed with even little things that they do? Do you feel that your love for them isn't the same as it used to be? As much as we tend to or want to define others by what they did or did not do, it is simply not fair. We are not defined by our mistakes. We must focus on the good. If we focus on past mistakes, and failures of others, it will be detrimental to our relationships. Focus on the good. It is still in there. Some days you may have to look a little harder than others for the good, but I promise you it is still there. Too many marriages end because we stop looking at the good qualities of our spouse. We begin to focus on the negative qualities or things that they do that irritate us. Things we once were able to overlook, now seem to overwhelm us and we cannot get them out of our heads. We stop focusing on the good qualities and therefore all we see are the negatives. This is why so many marriages fail.

What if we chose to forgive the little quirks that irritate us? What if we chose to forgive past mistakes. What if we chose to focus on the positive, good qualities of our spouse. What if we chose to fully commit to our marriage and chose to unconditionally love our spouse. I promise you; it is what God intends us to do when we get married. People don't fall out of love; they choose not to love any more. It takes work, a lot of hard work and a lifetime commitment. Does it mean that a partner may choose to continue to focus on the negative therefore continuing to strain their relationship. It may, but if you make the choice to focus on the good and to express that to your spouse, chances are they will see the positives and will come around. Can I guarantee this, no I cannot. However, I do encourage this as it is what God wants and intends for marriages.

A few years ago, I remember getting irritated with Mark for leaving half drank or empty water bottles in vehicles. I was irritated by the way he left empty cough drop wrappers on the side of his bed or the way he put never put his fishing clothes away. Were these new behaviors that Mark had started? Absolutely not. He has been doing these things our entire marriage. I chose to focus on little things like this that I once I overlooked, but now let them get under my skin. I let the little quirks and past mistakes fill my mind and I chose not to focus on his good qualities. Yes, that was a few years ago and two years ago, we recommitted to our marriage. I can overlook the quirks and they no longer get to me because I don't allow them to. I once again can focus on all of his good and amazing qualities within Mark and I can tell that he is doing the same for me. We are different people. We are better and because of this, our marriage is so much better. "Do not jude, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not becondemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:37

Did we discover this over night? No, we absolutely did not. It has taken us a lot of time, hard work, and commitment. We also did counseling and turned our marriage over to God. I talked about this in the beginning of my blog, but we also did the 40-day love dare challenge. It was an amazing experience and I encourage other couples to try this. By doing this, we also started to do a nightly devotion for couples. We continue to do our nightly devotion, along with Mark reading out of his AA book and me out of my Al-Anon book. We still check in with each other every morning to tell us how we are feeling and what our goals are for the day. We also continue to tell each other what we are grateful for. It would be so easy to quit these things, but we know that it opens us up for much needed conversations. It allows us to be open and honest from the start of the day. If we feel sad, tired, angry, or whatever, we honestly tell each other. Before, we hid some of these feelings from each other as we thought the other would judge or we simply didn't want to deal with our own emotions. We have learned that this was one of our biggest mistakes. By not telling the other how we truly felt, it made us keep things bottled up and it made us resent each other in many ways.

If you feel stuck in your marriage or relationship and feel like you have fallen out of love, think again. Love is a choice. If you "fall out of love", you are essentially choosing not to love. If you want a good, strong, and happy marriage, you need to start with yourself. How do you perceive your spouse? Choose to focus on the good qualities and choose forgiveness. Turn to prayer and ask for guidance and He will give it to you. I prayed for years but wasn't really listening. Once I stopped and listened, miracles occurred before my eyes. Do Mark and I have a perfect marriage? No, we do not. We are still a work in progress and will always be a work in progress because marriage requires a lot of work. Our renewed vows hang above our bed, and I often find myself reading these. Our renewed vows have taken on a whole new meaning for us. They represent renewed love in our marriage and in God. If you feel there is no chance, I am here to tell you there is a chance. Only death is permanent.