Two Years and a Lifetime to Go

"Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain and uphold you; He will never allow the righteous to fall." Psalms 55:22

Have you ever questioned God and things that have occurred in your life? Have you asked God, "Why" or "Why me?" I am a Christian, and I am also a sinner. I too have questioned God and asked him why certain things have occurred in my life. I have had many things happen in the span of my life in which I know there was no other explanation other than, God and His miracles. Today I want to reflect on the past two years.

Two years ago, I was ready to run out on our marriage and our family. I saw no other way out. I had prayed to God for years for Mark to quit drinking. I prayed for our marriage because I knew we were struggling, but neither of us were admitting it. In fact, we really weren't communicating like we once had. It felt as though we were merely co-existing. Some days I would look at Mark and it was as if I was looking at a stranger. He was not who I once knew. He had drastically changed, and frankly, so had I. I continued to pray, but I was losing faith in God. Did I still believe He existed, absolutely. But I felt as if I was being punished for Mark’s drinking and the fact that I was enabling him. I pondered every night as to whether I should leave our marriage. I didn’t want to admit failure to anyone, so I thought if I left, it was like not admitting defeat. I didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings, not friends, not family, and certainly not Mark.

Two years ago, on April 9, 2021, Mark had his last drink. Although it was what I had prayed for, it made the both of us face reality. And, the reality was, we had been neglecting each other and our marriage-like big time neglecting it. Was it beyond repair? No, it was not. I honestly believe that no marriage is beyond repair if both parties agree to make it work. But I must admit, it has been a hard and emotional journey. However, it is a journey that I am glad we both decided to take, together. It has been a struggle that we are overcoming because of our faith in God. The last day Mark drank and a few days after he quit, I tried to leave. I had no idea where I was going, but each time the same thing happened. The first time, I made it to the vehicle and went to start it and I heard a loud, deep voice say, "Stay." I thought I was hearing things and again the voice loudly and clearly said, "Stay." I remember saying out loud, "What?" I turned to open the car door and Mark was standing there with his hand out and he led me back inside. Was it Mark that was telling me to stay? No, it wasn't. He hadn't said anything. A few days later as Mark and I were having a long and extremely tough talk, I was emotional and didn't want to hear what was being said and I certainly did not want to feel. I yelled at Mark to stop the pickup and he did. I jumped out and my instinct was to run. I shut the door and turned away only to hear the same loud, deep voice that I had heard a few days earlier. This voice again said, "Stay." I remember saying to myself, "Is this God?" The voice again told me to "Stay." I turned and opened the door to the pickup, and I got back in. This is the point where Mark called Hazelden Betty Ford and told them he wanted professional help.

What would have happened if I had run? I don't know what would have happened, all I know is that I had been hiding my feelings for so long, from everyone, including myself. All these feelings were coming to the surface, and I was terrified. I didn't want to feel. As I looked over at Mark, I realized that he too hadn't wanted to feel, and alcohol had been his way of dealing with every feeling. With tears streaming down his face, I realized for the first time in years, he was sober, and he was forced to feel everything. He too was terrified. I knew then that God had told me to Stay so Mark and me could face all this together. We had a lot of suppressed feelings that needed to come out and believe me, it was hard to hear and hard to feel all that we had both been holding in. But it was also healing to our souls and our marriage. The past two years we have learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and the world around us. We don't take things for granted. We choose to face things head on, together. We also choose to be completely open and honest with each other and therefore, we choose to feel everything. We have a completely different outlook on life. We do our best to avoid and walk away from drama and unnecessary conflict. We work out our differences and we embrace our new life.

I recently wrote a testimony of faith about the miracles we both experienced two years ago. I asked Mark if he believed in Miracles. He said, "Absolutely." I asked him what was one miracle that he was in awe of; thinking he would talk about Kalli or the accident he and Bailee had both survived. Instead, he stated that the greatest miracle he ever witnessed was himself quitting drinking. He said that he never thought he could quit drinking because the hold that alcohol had on him was stronger than anything he had ever felt. Powerful words.

Are we perfect? Far from it. In fact, I don't believe perfection exists. Why do I say that? Because my idea of perfection and your idea of perfection are very different. I don't strive to be "perfect." I strive to be better. That is all any of us can really ask for; to be better, to do better.

I am here, we are here to tell you to never give up. Don’t lose your faith. God is always with you, and He will do the right thing in His timing, not yours. You may not see the whole picture now and you may ask God, “Why," but I truly believe that one day you will look back on some of your hardships and the times you questioned God, and you WILL know the answer. Why did Mark and I have to go through this storm? I believe God wanted us to find ourselves again so we could find each other. I believe God wanted us to go through all of this, come out stronger on the other side, and share our story. We want you to know that God is with each one of you every day. When you think He has forgotten about you, is when He is working for you the hardest. Believe it is possible. Miracles happen every single day, and Mark and I and our marriage are some of His miracles.

And, Mark, happy two years of sobriety. Sobriety looks amazing on you and I couldn't be more proud!