Unfailing Love

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19

Something that Mark started the day after he entered rehab at Hazelden was a nightly reading with me from his AA book. He would read the daily reading which includes a prayer at the end. He read it to me every night and he continues with this today. I also read my daily reading out of my Al-anon book to him and then together we read a daily devotion. We have made it a habit and have not missed a night. In one of his letters, he quoted the following out of his AA book.

"God, I offer myself to thee- to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always."

Saturday May 1st, we had plans to move Bailee to Fargo. She had gotten a student nurse internship at Essentia Health for the summer. It was a very hard day for me because we had been planning this for a couple months and Mark was supposed to be a part of this day. Tristan (Bailee’s boyfriend) got his dad to help, and his dad even had an enclosed trailer. Our friends Beve and Aaron and their girls, along with Justine, Kalli, my mom, and me also assisted with the move. When we were done, we went out to eat at The Tavern. Below is a pic of the moving crew (minus Tristan’s dad). I again cannot thank Beve and Aaron enough for stepping in and helping. It was appreciated more than you know!

The moving crew (back-Aaron, Beve, Grace, Chelee, Justine...Front-Tristan, Bailee, Linda, Kalli, Avery)

(Me and my girls)

Mark talked to us several times on this day. He was having a really hard time not being with all of us that day. This was also the first day that Kalli broke down. I remember it clearly. Kalli came over to me in the restaurant with tears in her eyes, and said, “I miss dad so much. I think I need to see a counselor. There is a lot going on and I do not know how to deal with it. I think you guys are lying to me. I think dad went away and he’s never coming back.” Then the tears rolled down her face. It absolutely broke my heart. I had Kalli video call Mark so he could reassure her. She felt better but, she still was convinced that he was never going to come home again. The next day Kalli and I took the boat up to the lake so it would be ready for Mark's return.

Around this time, I read another book entitled “I Love You But I Don’t Trust You” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It is a book that tells many stories of why trust was lost in various relationships and how they learned to trust again. Trust was broken in our relationship. Addicts lie. They hide things. They downplay things. They do what they feel they need to do to get their fix with no regard for others. Mark was no different than any other alcoholic. Trust was a big issue, and it was going to take more than time for me to be able to trust him again. There is no quick fix when it comes to trust. I said it before, trust is lost in buckets and earned in drips. The first step to regaining anyone’s trust, is there must be complete honesty and openness. Without this, trust will never be restored. Before Mark even went to rehab, we both laid it all on the table. In the fourth step of AA and Al-Anon, this deals with making a moral inventory of yourself. As I have said earlier, I did complete the 12 steps (although completed, the steps or at least some of them, are ongoing for life) and this is the step that really gets to a lot of people. This is when you really lay it all on the line. Does Mark have my complete trust back? I cannot honestly answer that. I can tell you he is working extremely hard to prove that he is trustworthy. I do trust him, but in the back of my head I know it is not back 100% but, I can tell you it is getting there. There is no trust without love and no love without trust.

I forgot to mention earlier that the week after Mark left for rehab, I started Al-Anon. I was (and still am) able to do this via zoom since the nearest chapter is Jamestown. I started participating twice weekly and am currently participating weekly. It is very therapeutic, and I have learned a lot. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this journey. Mark was able to purchase all the books I needed for Al-Anon while he was at Hazelden.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” Psalm 143:8

Mark’s last week at Hazelden he and I continued to talk/video call each other numerous times a day now that he had his phone. The end was in sight, and we were missing each other terribly. By Monday May 3rd, we had decided that I would pick him up on Thursday late afternoon so he could still do a whole day of classes. We decided not to let Kalli know, and we would surprise her. We now had to play the waiting game. Things were getting real, and I was starting to get nervous. The following is a paraphrased text between us 3 days prior to his discharge.

“My Dearest Mark, Oh how I love and miss you so much. Three days until we see each other in person. I am nervous because it has been three weeks. Three weeks without you by my side and three weeks of sleeping in an empty bed. The unknown terrifies me. I have educated myself these past weeks on so many topics—alcoholism as a disease, forgiveness, codependency, and trust. How I wish I could wave a magic wand and make any hurt, anxiety, and fears pass us both. If it were only that easy. We must give it all to God and he will see us through. I know there are going to be hard days ahead for both of us but, we must lean on each other and remember to always be open, honest, and non-judgmental to one another. I believe the end result will be amazing!”

“Dear Chel, I feel the same way. I am nervous getting back out there from being in a safe place. As I sit here, you and the girls are the only thing that I think about and dream about. I know it is going to take time and I know my addiction is always going to be there, but together we got this! I cannot wait to see what the future brings us. It will be amazing, I know it. I will do whatever it takes for you to regain trust in me. One day at a time, one hour at a time, we will get through this. I truly believe that, and I believe in us.”

Here is the link to the book I referenced.

I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0425245314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_3HT3GCK86ZV28WC0G48M